View Full Version : quaint, cold .... Canada (joke)

2006-02-17, 15:38
We all love Canada eh?
The recent Conservative election has raised many concerns with
Canadians in that we will become more Americanized. This prompting
many to come out of their government subsidized igloos in protest.

Signs that your Canadian village is becoming too Americanized:

1. You install "The Club" on your dogsled so it won't get stolen.

2. You petition the province for a "Concealed Carry" permit for your

3. You chrome your toboggan and put a nitrous kit on it to street race.
Earn respect from yor peeps yo!. Get some bling bling, and a ho.

4. You slip on a patch of ice and file a civil suit against "Mother Nature"
for 6 billion dollars. - strangely Microsoft pays you off quietly.

5. You shoot a government official point blank... and then call it a
hunting accident.

2006-02-17, 22:53
6. You are confused by the standard Canadian Armed Forces screening test:

"Can you piss a hole in the snow?"

I hope you haven't started anything evil here Turk.



2006-02-17, 23:00
("5. You shoot a government official point blank... and then call it a
hunting accident.")

It only happens in America!!!!!!! I'm rollin on da floor, whooooo!!!!!!!!! good one

2006-02-18, 02:18
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
__________________________________________________ _____________________
Some things to be proud of if you're Canadian
1. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany
2. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes
3.You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean
4.The biggest flags ever flown at any Olympics were Canadian. (The second time it had to be smuggled in because they had made a rule against it)
5.You're not offended by the term "Homo Milk"
6. Pizza gets to your house faster than an ambulance
7. Canada is the second largest land mass in the world
8. It's legal to walk around topless (but nobody does because it's to cold)
9. The beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
10.The only country to successfully invade the United States and burn down the White House
__________________________________________________ _______________________
The Spanish Conquistadores were making a map of their colonies (they owned all of the Americas). They started down south and worked their way up.
When they got to the New York area the map maker asked the governor, "What's up there?" pointing to the area above the Great Lakes.
The governor pointing at the map answered "Here, nothing" (in Spanish: "Aca, Nada").
Hence it became known as ACA-NADA, or in English, "Nothing here"
__________________________________________________ ___________________

A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Montana are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid-air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!". The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Montana can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!". The Canadian says, "In Canada there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
So, a while later the guy from Montana pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around, and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?" The guy from Montana says, "Well, in Montana, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."
__________________________________________________ __________________
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
__________________________________________________ _____________________

2006-02-20, 03:24
This is not a joke, but my middle daughter is named Canada. Great country and a GREAT daughter, good lookin and sharp as a tack... :) and no she was not born in Canada, although Canadian women are VERY interesting ;)

2006-02-20, 13:04
Eyewall, OK I will bite. What is so "VERY interesting" about Canadian Women? Inquiring minds have got to know!

2006-02-20, 13:59
I'll take a wild stab in the dark, and guess he is implying "French-Canadian"
women. In which case he is totally right. The equal opposite for us
Canadian men would be your California women.

2006-02-20, 15:10
Nah . . . . . all Canadians are interesting . . . . . aren't we Turk? It's the nature of the beast.


Diesel Boats Forever

john pickett
2006-02-20, 19:59
all Canadians are interesting . . . . . aren't we Turk?

Only to one another. Only a skunk is interested in another skunk. :damnmate:
John Pickett the Texan :biggrin:

2006-02-20, 20:23
Ohhhhhhh..! You guys are killin' me. Stop already! I can barely see, I'm laughing so hard!

2006-08-27, 02:19
These Canadians suffer from a serious inferiority complex. That's why they built this: The Canadian National Tower! World's largest free-standing structure! It is the height of six American football fields, or five Canadian football fields. As if Canadian football really counts. :hmpf:

Canadians are always dreaming up a lotta ways to ruin our lives. The metric system, for the love of God! Celsius! Neil Young, Gordon Lightfoot." Eeew!

The Canadians. They walk among us. William Shatner. Michael J. Fox. Monty Hall. Mike Meyers. Alex Trebek. All of them Canadians. All of them here. :s:

When have you ever heard anyone say, "Honey, lets stay in and order Canadian food"? :boring:

Aboot! It's ABOUT! And what's with this 'eh' business? :wink:

Le Quebecois: You know. Wine drinkers. Pea soup eaters. French Canadians! :rolleyes:

Memorable Quotes from
Canadian Bacon (1995)

(FYI: My grandfather was a wine drinking, pea soup eating Quebecois!) :cheers:

2006-08-27, 02:32
We all love Canada eh?
3. You chrome your toboggan and put a nitrous kit on it to street race.
Earn respect from yor peeps yo!. Get some bling bling, and a ho.
Shouldn't that be ho ho ho ?

2006-09-03, 01:18
Some more gentle ribbing of our friends up north :biggrin: , (and a few shots directed at their southern neighbors :shakehand :

An international symposium on elephants was convened. Every nation in the world was represented and was expected to deliver a report on elephants.

Germany contributed a report: "The Elephant -- A War Machine".

France's report was typically: "The Love LIfe of an Elephant".

America saw the economic values in: "Raising Elephants for Fun and Profit".

Great Britain had their own unique view: "The Elephant and the British Empire".

The Canadian report was, of course, typically Canadian . . .

"The Elephant: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?".

The worst airline disaster in Canadian history happened this moring when a single passenger plane crashed in a large graveyard.

Rescue workers said there were no survivors and have retrieved 200 bodies so far. That number is expected to climb as digging continues.
You know the difference between the American and the Canadian Senate?

In the US, you have to win an election to get in.

In Canada, you have to lose one.
There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy.
They come across a lantern and a genie pops out.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes."
So the Newfie says "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish"
'FOOM' the oceans were full.
The Quebecer was amazed, he said "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in."
'POOF' there was a wall around Quebec.
The Vancouver guy says "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie says "Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
So the Vancouver guy says "Fill it up with water."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth jerks I'm putting next to them."
You know you're from Canada when ...

You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You find -40c a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".
Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot?
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Canadians don't change light bulbs, they accept them as they are.

You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
You know what it means to be on pogey.
You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
You know that francophones, Anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
You read rather than scanned this list.
This is the transcript on an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10 - 10 - 95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

2006-09-13, 21:46
So all these Canadians are here eh? Wheres my apology for Brian Adams? :biggrin:

2006-09-13, 21:58
Canada is currently the only country in the western hemisphere without a trade deficet. "Conservative" G W is breaking this country slowly.

2006-09-13, 22:13
Ghost.. we will apologize only when you rid us of Pauly Shore, Vanilla Ice, Meg Ryan and Jonny Knoxville and fellow cohorts of 'Jackass' the show/movie.
Apparently Canada is the only place these people can build cottages..
Oh and ... food for thought... these same 'ambassadors' of American culture
are burning their wonderful twisted ideologies into the hearts and minds of
tiny backwater plaid wearing good old canadian townsfolk.

2006-09-14, 13:21

i understand pauli shore and vanilla ice, and as a former knoxvillian, i'm embarrassed by johnny knoxville... but what did meg ryan do? must be something political i don't know about, because even if she were an old-style commie, i'd still let her eat crackers in my bed...

(and you forgot the adjective 'badge-wearing' to your townfolk. i watch Red Green, and they do things the same way in the Adirondacks.)

2006-09-14, 20:24
Ill grant you the Vinilla Ice thing, and on behave of the US Im sorry for most of my country being totally obsesed with celbs and have more people vote for American Idol than in the last Presidental Election. I think its time to move to Alaska.

bird dog
2006-09-14, 21:03
Seeker, ditto on Meg Ryan. BD

2006-10-12, 02:55
There is a wall switch in my house , when I flip it on and off nothing happens!
I just got a letter from this guy in canada, He said stop it.

bird dog
2006-10-12, 23:44
There is a wall switch in my house , when I flip it on and off nothing happens!
I just got a letter from this guy in canada, He said stop it.

Was the letter from Turk? BD

2006-10-13, 04:26
""Conservative" G W is breaking this country slowly"....???? I know your joking but...
Good God man, He"s only got 8yrs to do it. In the yr 2000 the U.S. Debt dropped dropped 216 Billion and was at 5.3 Trillion. Then G.W. took over. Now we're coming up to 8.6 trillion (in 6 yrs) and gow'in (as they say in, Texass) 1.5 billion a day. GWs' like an evil spouse who is Hell bent on "leav'in" the othere pennyless when he leaves. Why is it that 'American" love gone bad,, has to hurt so much?
....ps Meg Ryan is like Hot Coffie ,,,, the Hot part you know and the coffie , well lets just say I wouldn't do much sleeping!!! :)

bird dog
2006-10-13, 16:10
Again, ditto on Meg. :bandit:


2006-11-11, 08:03
True quotes about, and from, Canadians:

I want to thank all the Canadians who came out today to wave to me - with all five fingers!
President George W. Bush (during his first visit to Ottawa Nov. 30, 2004)

Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes.
Former Saskatchewan premier Tommy Douglas

Canada is the greatest nation in this country.
Former Toronto mayor Allan Lamport

Down in Newfoundland, we can hardly sleep for wondering when St. Pierre and Miquelon are going to invade.
John Crosbie (on the state of Canada's military in 1983)

You little fat little chubby little sucker!
Reform MP Darrel Stinson (referring to Jean Charest)

Just as Lake Erie drains from north to south, there is an ongoing drain in terms of our young people.
Former Canadian Alliance leader Stockwell Day (getting the direction of the Niagara River wrong)

My conduct had nothing to do with me.
Former Ontario Speaker Al McLean (defending himself against charges of sexual harassment)

Gentlemen, we all must realize that neither side has any monopoly on sons of b@#$%*s.
C.D. Howe (in Washington to resolve a shipping dispute)

The fact is the statements are perfectly consistent, but more importantly, I don't have all the facts.
Prime Minister Paul Martin.

I've been called treacherous, stupid, venal, lazy ..and that's only by the Tories.
Peter McKay, former Tory leader.

Your majesty, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and Madame Houde thanks you from her bottom too.
Montreal Mayor Camillien Houde (in 1939 to King George VI)

We Canadians live in a blind spot about our identity. We have very strong feelings about who we aren't but only weak ones about who we are. We're passionate about what we don't want to become but oddly passive about what we should be.
John Cruickshank (in McLean's Magazine)

I guess Canada is a nice country. I've never thought much about it.
Anon. Cal-State student

A constitution nursed upon the oxygen of our bright winter atmosphere makes its owner feel as though he could toss about the pine trees in his glee.
Lord Dufferin

I'm not an American! I am a Canadian. I come from a "nice", thoroughly unrealistic country.
Matthew Fisher

Canadians are the people who learned to live without the bold accents of the natural ego-trippers of other lands.
Marshall McLuhan

Canadians have an abiding interest in surprising those Americans who have historically made little effort to learn about their neighbour to the North.
Peter Jennings

The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.
Will Ferguson

Canada is the linchpin of the English-speaking world.
Sir Winston Churchill

There are no limits to the majestic future which lies before the mighty expanse of Canada with its verile, aspiring, cultured, and generous-hearted people.
Sir Winston Churchill

He shall have dominion also from sea unto sea, and from the river unto the ends of the earth
from Psalm 72

After all, we fought the Yanks in 1812 and kicked them the hell out of our country - but not with blanks.
Farley Mowat

The US is our trading partner, our neighbour, our ally and our friend... and sometimes we'd like to give them such a smack!
Rick Mercer

In a world darkened by ethnic conflicts that tear nations apart, Canada stands as a model of how people of different cultures can live and work together in peace, prosperity, and mutual respect.
U.S. President Bill Clinton

Canadians have been so busy explaining to the Americans that we aren't British, and to the British that we aren't Americans that we haven't had time to become Canadians.
Helen Gordon McPherson

Our hopes are high. Our faith in the people is great. Our courage is strong. And our dreams for this beautiful country will never die.
Pierre Elliott Trudeau

I don't even know what street Canada is on.
Al Capone

I am so excited about Canadians ruling the world.
(Prime Minister) John Diefenbaker.

God Bless America, but God help Canada to put up with them!

We'll explain the appeal of curling to you if you explain the appeal of the National Rifle Association to us.
Andy Barrie

When I’m in Canada, I feel this is what the world should be like.
Jane Fonda

What is a Canadian? A Canadian is a fellow wearing English tweeds, a Hong Kong shirt and Spanish shoes, who sips Brazilian coffee sweetened with Philippine sugar from a Bavarian cup while nibbling Swiss cheese, sitting at a Danish desk over a Persian rug, after coming home in a German car from an Italian movie... and then writes his Member of Parliament with a Japanese ballpoint pen on French paper, demanding that he do something about foreigners taking away our Canadian jobs.

The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off it's own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees.
June Callwood

Many Canadian nationalists harbour the bizarre fear that should we ever reject royalty, we would instantly mutate into Americans, as though the Canadian sense of self is so frail and delicate a bud, that the only thing stopping it from being swallowed whole by the US is an English lady in a funny hat.
Will Ferguson

I always thought of this as God's country.
Jack Granatstein

As far as I'm concerned, I wouldn't want to go to any other country. It's good enough here.
Orviel Kruse

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.
Pierre E. Trudeau

With or without the Royals, we are not Americans. Nor are we British. Or French. Or Void. We are something else. And the sooner we define this, the better.
Will Ferguson

I just think you Westerners should take over this country if you are so smart.
Pierre Elliott Trudeau

In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations, it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Stuart Keate

Canada has never been a melting-pot; more like a tossed salad.
Arnold Edinborough

I'm not going to play politics on the floor of the House of Commons.
(Prime Minister) John Turner

It's going to be a great country when they finish unpacking it.
Andrew H. Malcom

For many years Canada has held an obscure place amoung the countries of the globe. Our borders have been pictured as the abode of perpetual snows, and our people as indifferent, easy-going, indolent. But change is taking place.
Charles R. Tuttle

Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau caused a minor scandal when opposition MPs claimed that he had mouthed the words "f*** o**" to them in the House of Commons in February 1971. Pressed by journalists, Trudeau later unconvincingly stated he may have said (or mouthed) "fuddle duddle or something like that". The phrase then took on a humorous connotation of that event for Canadians.

Canada is an interesting place, the rest of the world thinks so, even if Canadians don't.
Terence M. Green

The huge advantage of Canada is its backwardness.
Marshall McLuhan

Canadians don't have a very big political lever, we're nice guys.
Paul Henderson

2006-11-12, 10:31
The deficit is half now what it was projected to be a couple of years ago and this economy is sound. When the Dow hit it's heights that should have been just a teeny weeny indicator the economy is not dying.

I shouldn't worry about GW anymore. Thanks to the election even al Queda is laughing at him now. The American people have spoken, and look - let's not be coy - spineless. It's your country and your right to do with it whatever you wish. My thoughts are with those people "stuck hear n Irak" and the allies who rallied to America's cause. What a slap in the face.

I've noticed the press talking about snatching imperfect victories since the election, however. Who would have guessed? Now victories seem likely.


2006-12-23, 03:53
Two guys from Saskatchewan die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh?" The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh?" This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go.

The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling bacon and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Regina so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight.

Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan, and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.

NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is up with you two???" The guys from Saskatchewan look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know, eh?. If hell freezes over, it must mean the Roughriders have won the Grey Cup."

Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the shopping, and
also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye ..."


Nation’s First Canadian Restaurant Opens in Ohio
Can “Little Canada” be far behind?

Columbus, OH. Local merchants Bill and Iris Blunt have always loved Canada. From their first vacation to Niagara Falls for their 1966 honeymoon, they, like dozens of others, have wanted to bring a little bit of Canada back to the United States, but without the hassles of smuggling. So last August, after their specialty food store “Croutons ‘N’ More” filed for bankruptcy, the Blunts decided that they would combine their love for Canada with their business savvy and later this month will open the nation’s first Canadian restaurant, “North of the Border”.

The Blunts did little research, but feel confident that their new restaurant will be a success. “Everybody has to eat, and who doesn’t love Canada?” says Iris with a smile “And we’re different from all them Mexican (restaurants). Her husband agrees, adding “There’s more damn Mexican restaurants in this country than there are Mexicans, at least that’s the way it is in Ohio.”

Funding was difficult at first, and the Blunts ended up having to get less traditional loans. “No bank would touch us,” says Bill. “They thought (the idea for a Canadian restaurant) sucked.” After weeks of frustration and failed negotiations with several loan sharks, the Blunts found their financial saviors in several local minor-league hockey players, who missed the traditional meals and atmosphere of their homeland. With money in the bank, the Blunts found a building to lease, bought the necessary equipment, hired a staff, and “North of the Border” will open for business next week.

Customers can expect a truly Canadian experience. The interior dйcor boasts bare wooden walls, decorated with moose heads, photos of hockey players and Canadian Mounties, and a lot of framed beer posters. The “Pierre Trudeau Room”, in the back of the restaurant, will be a private dining area, available for parties and receptions. The room features historic photos of the great former Prime Minister who passed away in 2000. Food prices will be greatly inflated for patrons of the Trudeau Room, in honor of the politician running up the Canadian debt by more than 1,200 percent during his reign. “Canadians, or true fans of Mr. Trudeau, will understand (the higher prices) and will be more than willing to pay”, says Bill optimistically.

Servers will wear flannel shirts, twill pants, and hiking boots. Maple syrup will be at every table, and the menu will feature several varieties of Canadian bacon, as well as pancakes, sausages, and several moose dishes. The signature item will be the Bronzed Goose. Served on a bed of pine needles, the bird will be glazed in maple syrup and then roasted. Beer, of course, will be the libation of choice at “North of the Border”, with several varieties available on tap.

North of the Border will accept all major credit cards, and reservations will be taken only for parties of seven or more. Despite pressure from investors, Canadian currency will not be accepted.

While the Blunts hope for a long, successful venture with “North of the Border”, they unabashedly aim higher. “We want this area to really embrace the Canadian way of life”, says Iris. “Who knows, maybe someday this neighborhood will be known as ‘Little Canada’, with our restaurant right in the middle.”

Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada. Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that." The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.

The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight." "Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken."

Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?" To which the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year."

A True Canadian
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

A Canadian hockey fan, an American fan and a Swedish fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of alcohol. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the alcohol, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:

"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Swede fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Swede fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The American fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the American fan crying.

The Canadian fan was the last one up (he had finished off thecrate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You support the greatest team in the world, your country has the best and most loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Canadian replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Tie the American fan to my back so he can get his a** whooped again."

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
• New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
• Canadians plant gardens.

40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)
• Californians shiver uncontrollably.
• Canadians Sunbathe.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
• Italian Cars won't start
• Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
• Distilled water freezes
• Canadian water get thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
• New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
• Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)
• Hollywood disintegrates.
• Canadians rent some videos.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
• Mt. St. Helens freezes.
• Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
• Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
• Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
• Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
• Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
• Hell freezes over.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

2006-12-23, 16:41
A True Canadian
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final,...I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away...... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

:biggrin: Nice. Gotta love it! Nice job atraildreamer!

2006-12-30, 08:10
Where to find a cop in Canada:


2007-01-03, 00:58
“American Liberals Sneaking
Across Border Into Canada
Illegal Immigrants
Author Unknown

"The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada Has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among Left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O' Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say its not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

Not real effective," he said. The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals Near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often Wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.

Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, We get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are Creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just cant support them," an Ottawa resident said. How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said.

We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."”

2007-01-03, 10:01
Awesome! Maybe there is still hope for these United States. I would encourage officials to provide maps of all the "better" crossing points. :biggrin: