View Full Version : Back from R&R

2007-09-10, 10:54
I'm back in the 'Stan. It really sucks here and I have 8 more months to go. At least its cooling off here.

Most of you dont know but while I was on leave my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Shitty situation all around.

Only reason I'm telling you is because this is about the only support group that I have.

john pickett
2007-09-10, 13:32
I'm so sorry for your situation. Tho I've never been where you are, I would say talk to your chaplain and ask which support groups are available to help from a counselling ( for both of you ) standpoint.
Also, if she's serious, make her work for it. Never say you agree to a divource.
If you make it clear you are not giving up on your marriage and you continue to seek counseling for both of you, maybe your wife will come to question her own motives and come back to you.
Best of luck,
John Pickett

2007-09-10, 15:14

I truly regret the news, I know you feel helpless 'cause you are stuck half way around the world. I must agree with John on this one, don't make it easy for her. Then again don't do or say anything mean-spirited, no matter how deserved it may be. It can do no good at this point. Kids deserve a Mom and a Dad, remind her of that. The thing I've never understood about a woman deciding to call it quits on a marriage (they are the ones who usually seek a divorce) is you wind up married again, putting up with the same crap, AND you have a divorce to deal with. If the two of you have kids it affects the both of you the rest of your lives. You don't have that much time left before you can call it quits and get a 9 to 5 job, if that is what she's complaining about. The time will pass before you know it.

2007-09-10, 16:15
You wouldn't believe how many people are coming back from R&R with seperation or devorce. I am not kidding that it is about 20% right now.

2007-09-10, 16:41
jt - never been there so don't really know what to say, except all of us here on the forums are with you. I think jp and TaK gave you better advice than I could.

2007-09-11, 00:43
You have got to be Fing kidding!!! Did she drop the bomb on you as you redied to leave, or on your arrival home?

Another question for you is, do you want the divorce? One friend of mine wanted his, the other did not, never accepted it...dont need your answer, just talking some shlitt here....

Either way, keep the kids in mind always. Try to keep them out of it, they are your family, whereas your wife may not really be...know what I mean?

Another thought I learned from my friend who divorced after many years with kids, as the divorce was nearing completion, she said across a table in front of the laywers and everyone involved..."I am glad this is almost over..." and my buddy exclaimed- "you just don't get it do you, it is never 'over', it will never be over...." And my friend was right. Forever you will be attached, in some way, kids, financially, kids, emotionally, kids....

Come to peace with it, sometimes you cannot control this crap...

You know there is a pitcher of cold beer waiting for you here in Washington, take care!!!!

2007-09-11, 01:48
This comes from my own experiences and also what I've seen happen with my friends and relatives during their divorces.

If the divorce is going to happen don't give anything away.
Fight for everything - even if you don't want it.
Don't give her any of your shared possessions, make her trade and negotiate for them.
If you give her the things that you think she wants and/or needs, she'll want more and end up taking more than her share. -Sometimes much more.

Also try for full custody, with her paying support. Mothers don't always get custody anymore, and once again it's a lot easier to negotiate a fair settlement and times with the kids if you haven't already given away everything you had to trade.
-I have had several friends having to fight to get time with their kids after their divorce (and often going back to court), because they wanted to be nice about the children during the divorce and thought that there wouldn't ever be trouble about their seeing the kids.

Most important get a lawyer. If you can't afford it to hire one go to civilian legal aid before she does. It might not be the same where you are, but here legal aid will only represent one side in a divorce, and it's first come first served.

Don't make it easy on her.

2007-09-11, 18:35
JT, so sorry to hear this.

I know from experience that many, MANY military families are being torn apart by multiple deployments of late. It really sucks! Unfortunately some marriages are the "casualties" of these wars too.

I would caution you to just keep your kid(s) in mind and what's in their best interest. Also as hard as it may be at this time, try and keep things civil between your wife and yourself for the sake of your kid(s).

Maybe ask her to wait until you return to make this major decision. See if she's willing to try marriage counseling upon your return.

Most of all, keep yourself as focused on your safety over there as humanly possible so you can get back to your family in one piece. Your kid(s) will need you, don't forget that.

2007-09-15, 10:36
Maybe ask her to wait until you return to make this major decision. See if she's willing to try marriage counseling upon your return.

Most of all, keep yourself as focused on your safety over there as humanly possible so you can get back to your family in one piece. Your kid(s) will need you, don't forget that.

Dix nailed it. My advice is to ask her wait until you get back. This is assuming that you dont want the divorce.

Keep this in mind, things are going to happen from now until then. Keep an open mind, it's all you'll have at that point. Us men dont deal well with that which we cant control. You just gotta let it be and start fresh. You both will have changed. I had to get to know my wife all over again when I came back the last time. It's just the way it works.

Stay safe in the Gan.

2007-09-15, 16:40
JT, I'm sad to read the sad news. Sad for everyone involved. Counseling can possibly be very helpful in working through this difficult time. Both for your wife and you , jointly and separately, no matter how this turns out. Of course, jointly poses a challenge for the next 8 months. I wish the best for you , your wife and kid/s. A break up is never easy. Keep in mind, everything worth while, is worth fighting for. SS

2007-09-16, 14:34

Sorry to hear your sad news. Separations for work purposes happen, as well. Those, at least, tend to be fo shorter duration. Dixie is right about seeing if she will give your marriage a go after you get back, with some outside help. One of the things I found happened to us was I got used to making all of the decisions and hubby came home expecting to "be the man of the house" and issuing edicts about how things should be. I'm a redhead, so you can imagine where that went. Separations can cause all sorts of issues to come up that may never have happened otherwise, magnify minor faults out of proportion, cause people to seek comfort outside the relationship, you name it. It takes a lot of patience and love under good circumstances to reweave lives that have been ripped apart.

If divorce is inevitable, get some help for yourself so you avoid being weighed down with guilt. You come across as a stand up guy, something that is becoming a rare commodity. If you want another long term relationship or even marriage, some gal will be happy to have you.

Hoping your future improves!


2007-09-16, 17:32
Hi Jim:
Sorry to hear the bad news.
You must know the reasons for her request... situations such as this develop over time. I'm a divorcee, and yes, I asked for the split.. No, it wasn't a happy decision, but it was the right one..at the right time, for both of us. When we separated we cried on each others shoulders, a very unhappy decision, but the rift was not fixable, the reasons had gone on too long. I suggested that we simply split everything down the middle and not fight over little things. Had it been otherwise and had he made it 'difficult by fighting tooth and nail' I would have developed a hatred for him and that would have affected our children. As it was, even with the pain of divorce, in time we became better friends than when we were married.
It's like a death in the family and it takes a while to get accustomed to the loss. I look back and ask myself, if I had it to do over would I have asked for the divorce? I didn't have to think about it.
Yes, I did the right thing for both of us. Eventually, he found a woman who suited him to a T and is very happy. Had we stayed together, it would have been misery, a constant clash of personalities. My suggestion to you is, if it's a long term reason you are aware of, if you've been clashing for years, try to accept the personality difference and believe that your life WILL be better for the separation and divorce. Once you get over the pain of failure, and you will, look ahead at the great opportunities that are ahead of you... starting with a fresh clean slate. Start now, behave like a real gentleman, be discriminating, treat women you meet with respect and caring, be tender and affectionate, and to be sure, you'll find the woman you'll spend the rest of your life with in short order. If you behave that way starting now, there is the possibility that you CAN resurrect what is almost lost. Normal marriageable women love men who are tender, affectionate and kind. Women are drawn to them like a magnet.
You can't lose anything by trying. If being that way is not part of your personality, retrain yourself to be that way. It will become a habit and bring you many happy returns.

2007-09-16, 18:39
JT, terribly sorry to hear this bad news. Everyone has given some very good advice so I won’t elaborate on the marriage issue. I would like to say to try and stay focused on your job at hand. I have gone through a divorce so I know how hard it is to stay focused on what you are doing. You must stay safe for you and your children. The one thing I can tell you when it comes to your children, everything I read while going through my divorce says that the way the children turn out is DIRECTLY related to how much influence the father has in their lives after the divorce. So stay safe and talk to them as much as possible while abroad and especially when you get home.

Good luck to you and your family. God bless you and keep you safe!